the will to live- day 20
Updated: Aug 10, 2020
Enjoy the journey
Today will be a bit different from the rest y'all... I learned a lot about myself today but I couldn't quite figure out what to write about. I decided to scroll through my notes and I came across a journal entry I had written way back in 2017. It's always so humbling to see how far you've come. This spiritual walk is not for the faint at heart nor the weak in flesh. I trust that this will encourage you to reflect on your own healing journey. I'm so happy that we didn't give up. Life looks good on you !
Here's a piece of me from 2017
July 30, 2017
A MANuscript, My Love
I use to hurry home just to undress and fall asleep. My dreams were the first place I felt wanted; it never took me long to get there either. I craved for attention all day long and when I got into my bed, all I had to do was close my eyes and feed myself those sweet dreams. I never had to explain myself or justify my actions. I never had to beg for peace and quiet. In my mind, even my body listened to me. I was never sick, at least not for long. I always knew how to heal myself or switch to another scene if one got too uncomfortable. That was, until the pain I tried to run from became more prominent than false peace.
It was around this time when I started to fall ill. I began to transition into having nightmares.
My deepest fears were breaking down my innocence. I never wanted my screams to wake me up or cold sweats to drench my sheets. I started crying just to fall asleep. That's when I began to hate sleep. I did everything to avoid it. I stopped rushing home and I stopped disrobing. I felt the need to slow down and stay guarded. I wanted comfort but I didn't know where to get it.
It was around this time when I started to smoke. I started to choke my fears with toxic energy that numbed my mind from thinking painful thoughts. I found morphine for my intellect which made me feel at ease... until I couldn't breathe.
It was around this time that I started to look for God. I knew He was someone/ something I always had access to but never felt like I touched. I knew what others told me but I never truly allowed myself to experience His true love. That's when I started to pray. I started to seek God. I started to let go and then I started to dream again. I started to laugh. Tears weren't only for sadness anymore and nightmares were few and far between. I began to feel joy.
It was around this time that I found you. It was around this time God gave me a gift that I didn't know I wished for. It was around this time last year when I stopped holding back. It was around this time your love made me not want to settle for anything less than Agape because the same love God showed me was so close to your love at its best. You made me like to sleep but love to stay awake. Finally, what I had been dreaming for all my life was next to me. I am so happy I found you.